Tuesday, May 10, 2011


So I've been really struggling to keep a handle on things lately. Buying this house is really difficult for me. I think that if it weren't for Matt I would definitely just rent. I'm so afraid to take the plunge again.

We visited Bryan/College Station recently. I sat and watched my husband of 12 yrs(in Aug) and 5 kids play in a park where I picnicked as a new bride, walked to induce myself into my first labor, and sat my first baby on a mat to play. I sat there in a time warp and I cried and I cried and I cried. I mourned for the unrealized dreams of that brand new mother. I cried for all the things I thought I'd have accomplished by now. And then I packed them all up and went home to the reality of now. I told Matt about what I'd been feeling and then I just let it all out. All of my ungratefulness. "What are we doing wrong? It just feels like we have built a tank for every match box car we get back."

And then, he set me straight, very sweetly, as well as my dad might have. "Amber, considering where we were just a year ago, we're doing great. .."

And of course he was right. That was the right perspective. Yes, if I had told that hopeful bright-eye girl in her 20's about now she might've lost all her courage. But if I'd told the 33 yr old pregnant with her 5th about to lose her lively hood her home and 10's of thousands of dollars that she'd be just about to buy a very nice home and have a husband with a job that he loves and that he should have for a very long time just 2 years later that girl would've cried out in gratitude and awe.

Then today I saw this

Sorry it's just a click on 'this' link I'm hopeless at techy stuff on blogger.

I thought of my friend Kendra living in NYC with her almost family of 5. She loves it in spite of the give and take. I do LOVE NYC so much. I've been able to take my kids there several times and I love showing them NYC. And then DC and Philly and the Jersey Shore and Gettysburg and on and on and that's not including the other places we've lived. We haven't made it very far financially. I really hope that will come. But life has certainly been full of experiences. My kids haven't had years of violin and dance and sports but they've been coast to coast and they appreciate so much beauty in the world that they'll quickly adapt to creating it when the time comes.

I think the give and take is all a matter of perspective. I think some people probably watch that video of NYC and see a completely different world than the one I do. I can think of some. I just need to learn to love what I'm given and not mourn for what I've given up in return. All a matter of gratitude I know. I'm learning.